Tour de Other Countries

Tour de Other Countries

This year, it will be the 104th time cyclists will compete to win the title of the king of the Tour de France. We asked ourselves a question - what would things look like if the race were held at some other place?

30. 6. 2017 Lifestyle SPORTS CYCLING

To find answers we dived deep into the Internet and compiled this list, which turned out to be much more controversial than we thought in the first place. We hope you’ll use it as a tool which helps you understand that sometimes we should make fun of ourselves to realize that we’re in this together. Not only cyclists but all people. Enjoy.


Because of the foreign journalists’ lobby, the name of the race is shortened to the acceptable version Der Radfahrtourwettbewerb Deutschlands.

The race is meticulously planned in order not to interfere with the soccer matches of the 1st, 2nd and 3rd bundesliga.

Angela Merkel is invited to the director’s SUPERB during the opening ceremony. The world press is obsessed with the Chancellor’s dress and asks if Christian Prudhomme should’ve shaken hands with her.

Half of the stages are ridden on highways because it’s faster and more effective.

French farmers strike for a compensation for the losses incurred because of the fact that the Tour is held in Germany.

The placings of the riders in every stage are planned and structured beforehand, and it is by no means possible to diverge from the chart.

The race must be stopped in the middle because of demonstrators who are chained to the road and demand the shutdown of all nuclear power plants by 2020.


The media coverage of the Tour results is overshadowed by stats on national consumption of beer, bratwursts, and sauerkraut (calculated among the entire population including infants).


A referendum is held to decide whether to organize the French Tour on the British Isles. Based on the results, a two-year period is reserved to further negotiate the conditions.

Velká Británie

Everyone rides on the left because the cavemen also mounted their horses from the left side.

All riders are relieved when it stops raining for five minutes.

Yesterday’s footage of a meadow with grazing sheep is replaced with today’s footage of a meadow with grazing sheep. There is a castle in the distance, but it is not allowed to enter.

If a problem occurs by misadventure, all the national UCI officials resign from their posts.

During the whole Tour, all riders feed exclusively on food brought from home.

The studio commentators argue if a hundred-year-old tradition can be considered a tradition at all.

The Tour has the lowest ratings in history because there is rugby league going on.


RussiaThe Tour is rescheduled from July to November to commemorate the October Revolution.

The race is opened with a military parade at the Red Square.

All cyclists must be equipped with a camera mounted to their handlebars in case they get into an argument with another road user. Compilations of riders miraculously avoiding uncontrollable trucks get a million views in one week.

The Kremlin denies the information about a multiple collision released by CNN.

The most shared post on Twitter is a photo of Froome’s broken frame which was repaired in the ditch by fans, using a stick, a fish jerky, and string.

The bronze trophy for the winner weighs three tons, is two metres tall and apart from a cyclist, it also features a tractor driver, a cosmonaut, a milkmaid, and a partisan.

There is a blackout during the closing ceremony.

The after-party starts at midnight at a private club in downtown Moscow. There is a fight over the 2,999 dollar tickets.


Riders are surprised by the many speed tests on gravel.

Everyone rides in ski suits, except for the Finns who are wearing short-sleeved jerseys and shorts.

The spectators either remain stubbornly silent or burst into fits of laughter for no reason at all.

The official website discusses the possibility to transform the Tour into a ski race.

Once again, foreign commentators strive in vain to articulate the name of the town where the Tour starts.

There is a novelty: night stage taking place in broad daylight.

Foreign spectators are surprised by the high percentage of forests with Wi-Fi.

The team doctors complain that their charges haven’t slept in two weeks because of mosquitos.

Nobody remembers the closing ceremony.


Two days before the Tour is launched, Greece threatens to leave the UCI.

The idea of riding a stage in united Cyprus comes up for discussion.

The Greeks discuss the issue of what effect the take-over of the French format has had on their national pride.

While cleaning the bikes, it is discovered that a bike immersed in a fluid is buoyed up by a force equal to the weight of the fluid displaced by the bike.

Half of the male spectators are in a big trouble at home – they forgot to ask their mothers’ permission.

At Thermopylae, the peloton is merged into one lane where the cyclists can only go one at a time. Later, they are all sacrificed.

To celebrate the fact that the country was granted the right to organise the Tour, the salary of all civil servants is doubled.

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